Sorry I was speeding, officer. I was listening to Mumford and Sons and the banjo solo came on.
mermaid: bae come over i’m bored
me: i cant breathe underwater
mermaid: i’m off my period
my oral sex skills are about the only good thing i have going for me in life
ABSOLUTELY TOO WILD
today in english we were watching a version of romeo and juliet where romeo looks a lot like zac efron and he was talking about being confused and i was like to my friend “thou needs to get thy head in the game” and my teacher just lost it
THIS IS THE FUCKING PHONE THAT I LOST IN DECEMBER.
AFTER THE SNOW MELTED, I FOUND IT THIS MORNING FROZEN IN THE ICE.
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT THERE.
but does it work
Now my mascara runnin’ red lipstick smudged Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f-
[mom walks in]